I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
