If i come over, it means nothing
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
