Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
