tonight lets celebrate not being married
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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