you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
