i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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