he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize