I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
