I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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