proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
