Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
