you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
