screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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