omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
