he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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