i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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