Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
