I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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