Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
