And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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