I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
