I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
