Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm passing your future prison.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
