i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
