I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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