I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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