Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
