my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
