I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize