Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
This girl is more easily done than said...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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