Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
