Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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