piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
