Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
