Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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