She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
