i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
