Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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