Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
zippers are such a cool invention
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
