he looks like a really good dad on facebook
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
