from now on my penis is your penis
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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