My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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