Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
