True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
