I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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