Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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