I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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