I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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