I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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