Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
