it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just pee around me
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
