Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
