I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
