i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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