I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
