even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize